Listen to the whisper.
You have to be still in order to hear it.
At the peak of my career I was overwhelmed, riddled with anxiety, oppressive anger, and crumbling from exhaustion.
Once I left my job, I vowed to take at least a year off to recalibrate and rest, but also to give myself enough time to become passionate and excited about something new.
I did not get that far.
My inside voice was screaming:
Money, Success, Fame, Glamour!
Power, envy, greed, desire!
World domination.
The wanting never stops. It’s loud. It’s everywhere. It’s commercialism, consumerism, capitalism, waste. It is external. It transforms into a bigger mountain with each new success. There is always another hill to climb. A better, bigger thing that you hope will bring you joy only to have that joy dissipate into desire for the next thing.
, in his book, Wanting: The Power of Mimetic Desire in Everyday Life, talks about the power of mimesis and how to break free from wanting what other people want, or “thin desires.” He calls our true desires “thick desires” and says we must cultivate these. But, how do we do that when everything around us is screaming “you should do this,” “you must do this,” “here, try this”? When everything convinces us that we want something other than what we truly desire?Sitting on the bench while watching others achieving this or that was torture for me. I craved the comfort of throwing myself completely into my work.
After only six months, the voice inside that was still screaming, “hustle!” and “girl boss!”, and I was hypnotized. I took a job before I could fully heal. I knew almost immediately that I had more deep work to do on myself. The new job brought out the worst of my worst. It was like having an out-of-body experience where I was watching myself melt down. I was not ready.
I decided I needed to recommit to my prescribed time off, so I left the job. It was not easy to force myself to chill out. I’ve always been a determined, hustler busybody whose brain never turned off. I had to fight the urge to start a new business. To build a brand. To brand myself.
Chilling out was achieved but not without struggle. I went on a lot of “stupid walks for my stupid mental health.” I read books and listened to podcasts. I rested. I relaxed. I started a new, slow morning routine that began with reflection. After some time, the noise in my brain began to fade. The loud voice retreated. I got some semblance of who I was before.
WHO I WAS BEFORE.
Not just who I was before building my brand, but who I was before I started working at all.1
I traded the loud voice for the whispers.
What whispered to my heart?
In order to hear the whisper, you must be still.
In order to understand your nature, you must be quiet.
In order to see clearly, you must remove all distractions.
The subtle flutter of your heart comes from what you discover within.
You cannot seek it outside of yourself.
Thanks for reading! Unsquare is a regular feature written by Jaime Derringer about creativity, business, leadership, and technology.
Welcome to my mid-life awakening (formerly known as crisis).
I love the self-realization and I appreciate the desire to put aside the Girl Boss mentality, because I also subscribe to the original (said with more than a small amount of irony) GB, and it can be tiring at times. No shade, but real.
You know I can relate to all of this. In fact, writing about my similar journey today. Although it is such a word salad of thoughts right now.